How to cook Roast Potatoes (Properly)

If there is a greater thing to chomp on than a perfectly roasted potato then I am yet to experience it. You all know the desired specifications of such specimens: “Golden brown, crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside”. How many of you regularly achieve this level of spud-nirvana though? I possess the knowledge to lead you to enlightenment. Please give me the time to help, and I promise your Sunday roasts will always contain a little touch of greatness.

First things first: the potato. Predictable as it sounds, Maris Pipers will never let you down. King Edwards are fine too. Roosters go extremely crunchy. Desirees do the job. In fact, generic baking potatoes can tick the right boxes if treated right. There are more obscure ones but I am trying to make things easier; not more difficult. So as long as you pick from this list (with a nudge from me in the direction of the first three), then you are one step closer to a wonderful roaster. The process of cooking these little creatures should never stray from these four essential processes: peeling, par-boiling, seasoning, roasting. The genius is in the details though. 

The first step is peeling. One factor of achieving crisp edges is creating the edges in the first place. Unfortunately, perfect use of a peeler does make for a perfectly round potato. This limits the number of sharp edges you will have come boiling time. This is why I prefer to use a smallish sharp knife and do a slightly jagged job of it. That method is optional of course, but it does work. I do have to insist you peel them though; don’t pretend it is rustic to leave the skin on- it’s inferior and essentially lazy. Once peeled, you always need to chop them at least in half. Don’t forget that tiny little crunchy nuggets are just as important as big ones, so don't be fearful of splitting a medium one into three. Just make sure the overall result yields happy portions for all. 

Tip the spuds into a large pan and place under a tap. Rain cold water upon them for a while, stirring them with your hand until the liquid becomes clear (this is how you know the starch has been dispensed of). Tip the water out and refill with more cold until the potatoes are just about covered. Place on the highest heat with a generous heap of salt and bring to the boil. Once the water is boiling, wait about 5 minutes before you start messing about again. Now use a fork to test the potatoes by scraping along their edges. You are looking for the no-man's land between slightly disturbing the surfaces and breaking large chunks off altogether. Although I advise using 5 minutes as a starting point, I would say the most common cooking time here is 8 minutes. Once ready, roll them out into a colander and leave to dry out. This can be a relatively long gap depending on how long you need to prepare other things. I usually wait at least 10 minutes. Do not shake them around unless you have actually undercooked them and need to save the day quickly. If you have done them right, any disturbances will cause too much damage. 

In the meantime you need to heat up your roasting tray. I usually use plain olive oil because it's always around, and it works better than all the other oils you will have in your cupboard. Of course you can use goose fat, or dripping, but the procedure remains the same. Drizzle the stuff into your best roasting tray until it forms a 3mm coating across the bottom. You need to make sure it's not enough to risk greasiness, but enough to coat every potato evenly. Then place it into an oven that has been preheated to 190^o C (if you have a chicken on at this point cooking at 180^oC, this will just about suffice). It will take about 10 minutes to heat to the right temperature; the end result should be free flowing oil as you slant the tray to and fro. 

Next, gently place one potato into the oil and listen carefully. If it is silent, put the oil back in for 5 minutes more. If it sizzles and spits, let the oil cool for 1 minute. If it is somewhere in between, then continue the mission and introduce the rest of the gang. Turn each one over with a fork until you are sure every part as been anointed with oil, and liberally season with sea-salt and freshly ground black pepper. Place in the pre-heated oven for at least 45 minutes- do not even think about moving them around or turning them over! After this time they will be cooked nicely and slightly coloured. I personally like more dark crunchy pieces which take about 15 minutes longer. Either way, you will not be disappointed. Sprinkle with a little more salt and serve. 

Note: Some people like to add flavours such as garlic and rosemary. I have since moved on and simply enjoy the purity of potato flavour that this recipe provides. You are welcome to embellish things as much as you want of course. Just remember to show respect to the spud.  

The Riots: In My Words

There is a South Park episode in which Eric Cartman cannot comprehend the concept of guilt. His friends try in vain to explain why someone might feel bad even if they don’t get caught. It is a moment that sums up why he is such an immoral character, and therefore explains his extreme behaviour that drives most episodes. In the BBC program “The Riots In Their Own Words: The Rioters”, which aired on 13/08/2012, we can see that this kind of personality isn’t limited to the cartoon world.

We were introduced to a mixed group of people who were all involved in the violence and looting to varying extents. Some were doped up angry black youths; some were middle class rubber-neckers. Capable actors portrayed the individuals and the result was a plethora of different perpetrators. I’m sure the decision to have such an eclectic group of speakers was a calculated one to avoid being labelled racist, or snobbish, but it was also pleasant to hear diverse opinions.  The actors did a very good job of making the words sound natural and the personalities of the rioters became very clear indeed.

Early on we are introduced to a middle-aged Caribbean woman waxing lyrical about the Mark Duggan case. Her opinion was that this man had been unlawfully killed by a policeman, and that this was a legitimate reason for a race war between blacks and all police. She recalls being impressed that a violent gang of youths arrived on the scene to show solidarity with the whole black community. She even goes as far as to say it’s a pity a policeman wasn’t killed as a form of justice for Mr Duggan. Not the officer who shot the man by the way; just any, perhaps a family man- maybe even a black one. She also thinks that the rioters got things wrong when they began damaging public property. I suppose she wants one of those riots where nothing gets damaged then.

The next one to stick in the mind like a vision of a beheading was a young black male in his early twenties explaining not so much his motives, but rather his crimes. In frightening matter of factness, he boasts of how he robbed off robbers because it was easy and “what were they gonna do? Argue?” He rolls a joint and then expresses annoyance that the police keep searching him for “no reason”. He began to swell with pride when he claimed he stopped a branch of Halfords burning down. What sort of heroism are you envisioning? Well he was asked for a lighter and he said “no”. Maybe they’ll name a street after him. All he asks in return is that “they should let me sell weed”.

The most cringe-inducing person was a middle class white mother who began as an observer but found herself getting aroused by the scenes of destruction. She was one of those borderline bi-polar ex-hippies who earns a nice living but can’t resist the impulse to be absolutely selfish in the face of adversity. Her story is that she heard things were kicking off, so she scooped up her teenage daughter and immediately lost her in the midst of the chaos. If there is even an ounce of weight to the theories about economics or social injustice, then where does she fit in? Her reason was that it stirred up an old distaste for the police force and made her feel invigorated. Is that a frivolous explanation only a middle class liberal could come out with? I think it is.

There was a particularly soulless individual who put everything into perspective and made everyone else look good however. He seemed to be a teenager who displayed no redeeming features other than the fact he harbours potentially useful organs. The drivel that spouted from this collection of scum’s mouth was worthy of Tony Montana. His reasons for destroying local businesses were terrifyingly cold and logical; basically revenge for minor inconveniences. An off license that had previously asked him for I.D was top of his list. Next was a shop that refused to employ him. I do not know where this sense of immediate entitlement comes from with these youths who make no effort to deserve anything in the first place. The sooner this kid ends up behind bars the better, and let’s hopes he keeps reoffending inside so he never comes out.  

There was also a girl who would be sweet if she wasn’t so pathetic. She’s the classic victim story: she didn’t want to riot but she got swept away because everyone else was doing it. I’m sorry but a defence cannot be built upon the fact that you are sheep. It forces you to talk down to them: “If someone jumped off a cliff......”etc. If a shelf is placed in front of you with products on it and you don’t have the moral fibre to resist stealing something then you are someone who steals; not a victim. Being blind to the concepts of right and wrong is your responsibility. I would be ashamed to admit I got “dragged into it”. When did being easily led become a virtue?

The most impressive interviewees were the honest ones. The general consensus from them was that it was “all about the money”. One of the more articulate rioters clearly stated that no one was thinking about the government. The whole event could be summed in one phrase: Easy Money. I say his honesty impressed me, but he was also one who prolifically looted. He was one of the criminals terrorising the streets last summer and I have no idea what he did. He could have been nicking fruit pastels, or he could have been ripping people of mopeds. He doesn’t get a breath of sympathy from me either.

There was another middle class hippy type who couldn’t help but get drawn into the excitement of it all. He’s also one who, when confronted with that age old question, “To Loot or not To Loot?” he just didn’t know what to do! Call me old fashioned but I don’t consider it a complicated moral conundrum to decide whether or not I should take part in an attack on civilised society. I don’t expect to be patted on the back for this either. If all Hell breaks loose and I end up in Blockbuster video with windows smashed around me, I will not steal a copy of Spiderman; and not just because it’s rubbish.

I haven’t even described half of these characters and yet I will not find a shining beacon of humanity if I continue. I won’t mention the lad who blames his actions on a mental health issue then casually mentions he was stoned when the police came calling. I can’t be bothered to talk about the man furious at the world because of family fatalities; somehow using this to justify putting others in danger. Don’t get me started on the skunk-sauna disguised as a car in which gang members philosophise about what went down.  

The program ends with a concession that the causes of the riots are ultimately unclear. I beg to differ. If someone says they betrayed their better nature because everyone else was doing the same than that suggests less than average intelligence. If someone says that every black person should fight the police, then that reveals a simplistic view on race. When a kid justifies attacking an officer because that officer is enforcing the law, then that kid is not a clever one. A woman who enjoys watching communities burn while putting her daughter in the line of fire is bereft of the most basic impulse of the female intellect. Only brainless teenagers claim the right to act in appalling ways because society isn’t paying the way for them.

Do you hear what I’m saying? These events, this program, this current social climate, are proof that we are living in the most intellectually vacuous era in living memory. It isn’t economics, it’s not politics; it’s the absence of intelligence. It took days for these offenders to realise that destroying their neighbourhoods was probably a bad idea. That’s not even morals; it’s common sense. The ones who started it were fuelled by the brain wave that you can cause large amounts of trouble and have a few hours of stealing. That is the stupidest plan any human can come up with. It’s not even anarchy because it will only last a few hours before smarter people than you will stop it. There is no lower place for the brain to go than following the crowd either. “Why did you do it?” “Because everyone else did”, this is pathetic.

I’m sure it’s politically incorrect to blame stupidity. I’m also certain that other theories are more soothing to the soul. I expect to be contradicted, but for the moment I remain convinced. Years ago the very lowest classes also hung out in smoke filled rooms, but instead of surrendering to idiocy they discussed socialism and unions. They educated themselves and proved the elite wrong. These rioters however, have avoided culture and education like the plague. They organised their attacks on smart-phones. Do they know they can access Wikipedia on these devices? Of course they do, but they don’t give a fuck. You tell me why.